I’m Being Emotionally Blackmailed Because I Cared

We’ve all heard something like this: “Get over here within a minute, or I’ll break up with you”, “It’s alright. You can go. I’ll be fine by myself”. Are you suffering from emotional blackmail and struggling to break free from the toxic cycle? Are you being manipulated but still forcing yourself to comply out of fear? 

“Emotional blackmail” is a term popularized by Psychotherapist Susan Forward, referring to the process in which we’re being manipulated by someone, and hence forcing ourselves to do something we don’t like, in order to maintain relationships, avoid being belittled, please others, or earn approval. People with the following characteristics are more likely to fall into the trap of emotional blackmail: 

1）Always try to be the “nice person”
2）Tendency of self-doubt
3）Extreme compassion and empathy
4）Approval seeking
5）Strong sense of responsibility
6）Tendency to comply

When you’re trying hard to make someone care about you, you tend to stay silent even when you're under great pressure or being emotionally blackmailed. And if you try to fight back, they will say or do something to increase your sense of guilt. For example, “you don’t care about me anyway”, or “you’re so selfish”. In the end, you will start to think that rejecting them is wrong, creating undeserved guilt for yourself. 

Say “No” to Emotional Blackmail!

In fact, emotional blackmail is a vicious cycle, which can only be broken if we muster the courage to say “no”. On a personal level, we must learn to love ourselves, appreciate our unique values, and prioritize our feelings. We must also understand that we don’t have to fulfill other people’s needs all the time. Mutual respect and mutual help are the keys to a healthy relationship.

If you suspect that you’re being emotionally blackmailed, don’t rush to comply just yet. Calm yourself and determine whether the request is reasonable or doable. You can ask for some time and space for consideration, and take the chance to ease your anxiety and guilt.

After returning from a break, tell that person what you really want and ask for their understanding. Through step-by-step practice, you will eventually be able to say “no” and get away from emotional blackmail.